You may have found yourself intensely frustrated with the way another colleague is behaving. It’s not that what they are saying is necessarily wrong, it’s just the way they are saying it or the lack of empathy with the situation. We sometimes encounter peers or team members who are brilliant analytically but struggle with emotional intelligence (EI). These high-IQ, low-EQ individuals can unwittingly trigger our stress responses and disrupt team dynamics. So let’s understand what’s happening and what we can do about it.
The Neuroscience of Our Reactions to Low-EQ Behavior
When faced with an emotionally insensitive or volatile colleague, our brains and bodies may react as if under threat. The amygdala, an almond-shaped brain region, acts as an alarm system that triggers instant emotional and physical responses before our conscious thinking kicks in. This “quick and dirty” pathway (often called an amygdala hijack) evolved to protect us from danger, and it floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. As a result, you might notice your heart racing, palms sweating, or face flushing in a tense meeting with a low-EQ person. These are classic fight-or-flight symptoms, as your body prepares to “fight, run away, or freeze” in response to a perceived conflict. What’s interesting to note, is that emotionally charged social situations can activate the same brain circuits as physical pain! In other words, a colleague’s insensitive comment can quite literally hurt. Over time, repeated negative interactions can condition us to be on high alert around that person. Our nervous system starts associating them with stress, which means even a minor encounter can elevate our cortisol levels. Toxic or emotionally inept leadership primes us for conflict and impairs our ability to think clearly and respond rationally.
Why Low Emotional Intelligence Creates Friction
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to recognise and manage one’s own emotions and to understand others’ feelings. This capacity is distinct from cognitive intelligence – someone can have a high IQ and excellent analytical skills yet remain impaired in social-emotional judgment. In everyday business contexts, this might manifest as the brilliant technical expert who continually offends teammates or the genius strategist who cannot sense when morale is low. Colleagues with low emotional intelligence can derail teamwork and communication and erode effective collaboration. Psychological safety, defined by Amy Edmondson (1999) as a shared belief that one can speak up or take risks without punishment, is considered a core ingredient of team performance. Psychological safety is easily undermined when emotional awareness and regulation are low. If a senior leader habitually fails to recognise the impact they have, or dismisses concerns or reacts defensively to feedback, others learn to stay silent to avoid interactions. Misunderstandings proliferate because the low-EQ individual misses social cues or triggers negative emotions in others, creating a cycle of reactivity. As a consequence, problems go unaddressed and trust deteriorates and team outcomes suffer measurably.
It is telling that an estimated 70% of workplace conflicts are attributed to poor emotional intelligence or miscommunication rather than technical issues. Over time, organisations pay the price in lower engagement, higher turnover, and lost productivity. For example, in a global analysis, employees with low-EQ managers were far more likely to quit despite liking the work itself.
How to Recognise the Triggers
In Others:
Low EQ manifests itself as a lack of empathy or self-awareness: Colleagues with low EI often seem oblivious to others’ feelings. They may interrupt or talk over people and fail to notice distress or frustration in the room. They might make insensitive remarks or jokes at others’ expense and then seem puzzled when others become upset.
Such individuals may also have a need to be right and become defensive or blaming when challenged. For instance, instead of reflecting on feedback, they immediately blame others for problems or deny responsibility. They can come across as poor listeners, glossing over colleagues’ concerns and may exhibit inappropriate emotional outbursts (e.g. anger or irritation) out of proportion to the situation.
Difficulty reading the emotional atmosphere leads them to misjudge situations and respond in analytically brilliant but interpersonally clumsy ways.
In Yourself
Just as important is noticing signs that your own emotional equilibrium is slipping in these interactions. Pay attention to your body and mindset. Do you feel a surge of anger, anxiety, or embarrassment when dealing with a particular person? Physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, tense muscles, flushed face, or a churning stomach are cues that your fight-or-flight system has been activated. Mentally, you might notice an urge to shut down and withdraw, or conversely to snap and say something harsh. You may ruminate over the incident afterward (“I should have told him off” or “Why do I always lose my cool with her?”). These reactions are telltale signs of an amygdala hijack in progress. Your brain perceives a threat – perhaps the colleague’s tone feels like an attack on your status or respect – and emotional control gives way to instinct. Recognising these triggers in the moment is the first step to managing them.
By watching for these signs, you can catch escalation early. Awareness creates a psychological “pause button,” allowing your higher brain (frontal lobes) to re-engage and make a deliberate choice in how to respond.
Strategies to Stay Calm and In Control
Dealing with low-EQ individuals requires emotional leadership. Manage your own reactions so you don’t get dragged into the turbulence, and steer the interaction toward productive ground.
Pause and Breathe to Regulate your Physiology
When you notice yourself getting triggered, take a pause. A simple technique like taking a slow, deep breath (or even excusing yourself for a brief walk) can prevent an emotional reaction from spiralling. Mindful breathing exercises are not just new-age advice, they increase connectivity between the prefrontal cortex (which governs rational thinking) and the amygdala (the fear centre), thus helping to calm the emotional alarm signal. Even just counting to 10 while breathing deeply can engage the parasympathetic nervous system to slow your heart rate and lower cortisol surges. This physiological reset gives you a moment to regain composure. In practice, that might mean consciously relaxing your shoulders and unclenching your jaw in a tense meeting, or taking a sip of water before responding. By managing your body’s stress response, you send a signal to your brain that “this is not a sabertoothed tiger, it’s just a difficult conversation,” allowing more measured and strategic thinking to resume.
Name the Emotions
One of the most powerful neuroscience-based techniques for emotional regulation is ‘affect labelling’, literally putting feelings into words. Research by UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman and colleagues found that when people verbalise an emotion (“I’m feeling angry right now” or “I sense you’re frustrated by this delay”), the amygdala’s activity decreases and the brain’s executive regions activate. In essence, naming an emotion tames the emotion. Rather than reacting blindly, quietly note to yourself what you’re feeling and why. For example: “I’m feeling insulted by John’s comment, which is making me angry.” Simply acknowledging this to yourself can diminish the emotion’s grip. If appropriate, you can also calmly identify the emotion in the interaction: “John, I can sense that you’re upset about the timeline.” This invites your low-EQ colleague to also recognise the emotion at play. (Be careful to keep your tone factual, not accusatory – the goal is awareness, not blame.) By shining a light on the emotional undercurrent, you help steer the exchange back to a rational track. It also models emotionally intelligent behaviour, potentially encouraging your colleague to mirror it.
Reframe the Situation – Don’t Take It Personally
Get yourself some mental distance from the problem. See it as an interesting problem to manage rather than a personal attack or frustrating incompetence. Cognitive reappraisal is another proven strategy for keeping cool. This involves consciously reinterpreting the meaning of the other person’s behaviour in a more neutral or positive light. Instead of thinking, “She’s doing this just to annoy me,” tell yourself something like, “Maybe she is under a lot of pressure and isn’t aware of how she’s coming across.” By giving the colleague the benefit of the doubt (or at least seeing their behaviour as their issue, not a personal attack on you), you reduce the sense of threat. Using reappraisal can significantly reduce emotional and physiological reactivity during conflict, even to the point of dampening cardiac stress responses. In practice, reappraisal might involve empathy (“Perhaps he doesn’t realise how his tone sounds; I’ll assume positive intent”) or focusing on problem-solving (“The real issue here is the deadline, not his tone”). This mental shift engages your prefrontal cortex to override automatic negative interpretations, thus preventing escalation. The bonus is that it often causes the dynamic to shift – you respond more calmly, which can defuse the other person’s aggression. Essentially, by keeping your ego in check and not seeing the low-EQ person’s behaviour as a personal slight, you stay in control of your emotions.
Communicate with Facts and Specifics, Not Emotion
When it comes time to address a difficult issue with a low-EQ individual, plan to focus on the facts and the concrete impact of their behaviour. People with low emotional intelligence may not intuit others’ feelings or subtle social cues, so spell things out clearly. Tell the person exactly how you feel, rather than expecting them to pick up on emotional signals. For example, instead of hoping a brusque colleague will notice you’re upset, you might say calmly: “When you challenged in the way you did in the meeting, I felt undermined in front of our colleagues. It hurt our shared goal of presenting a unified team.” This statement focuses on the specific behaviour (style of comment), the factual outcome (colleague perception), and your feeling – all communicated in a steady tone. By anchoring the conversation in facts and “I” statements (e.g., “I felt X when Y happened”), you reduce the chance that the low-EQ person will feel attacked. Avoid criticising their character (“You’re always so rude”) and stick to what can be observed and changed. Additionally, approach the conversation with a problem-solving mindset: what solution can we find going forward? For instance, “Can we find a way to alert each other if something comes off as dismissive, so we can adjust on the spot?” Keep your feedback factual, respectful, and oriented toward improvement. This gives even a low-EQ colleague a clear roadmap of what needs to change, without them needing high empathy to decode it.
Practice Active Listening and Calm Assertiveness: It may seem counterintuitive, but often the best way to influence a low-EQ person’s behaviour is to model the emotional intelligence you wish to see. If they are speaking or venting, make an effort to listen without immediately interjecting or rolling your eyes. People with low EI can become easily frustrated if they feel misunderstood. By actively listening – maintaining neutral eye contact, nodding, and even summarising their points – you help keep them calm and show them what respectful communication looks like. A phrase as simple as, “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…” can reassure them that their perspective is heard. Once they finish, respond with calm assertiveness: acknowledge their points where valid, but also stand firm on important issues. For example, “I hear that you’re frustrated with the delays. I share that frustration. At the same time, I cannot approve the plan without the involvement of others. Let’s figure out a solution within our constraints.” Maintain a steady, even tone, this signals that you are not emotionally rattled (which often earns you more respect with such individuals). You are demonstrating emotional self-control and assertiveness without aggression. Over time, your steadiness can set the tone for interactions. Essentially, by controlling the emotional tenor on your side, you de-escalate the situation and sometimes even “train” the difficult person toward more constructive behaviour. OK, so I recognise this can be a ‘tall order’, but it really does work.
Addressing Conflict
Even with these strategies, conflicts with low-EQ colleagues can be challenging. It’s important to address issues proactively but thoughtfully. Pick your timing for tough conversations, ideally when neither party is in the heat of emotion. You might request a one-on-one meeting in a private setting and use a respectful, collaborative tone: for example, “I value our working relationship, so I wanted to discuss something that would help us work together even better.” Use the principles above during the talk: stick to specific examples, express your perspective, and invite their input. Be prepared that a low-EQ person may not apologise readily or magically gain insight. They might even react defensively. Stay composed and reiterate that you are raising this to find solutions, not to cast blame. Sometimes, engaging a neutral third party (such as a coach, HR partner, or mutual mentor) can facilitate the discussion if direct attempts falter, effectively bringing in a translator to help the low-EQ person see the interpersonal impact in a way they grasp. It’s also wise to set boundaries for yourself. If a colleague’s behaviour crosses the line into abuse or undermines your well-being, take steps to protect your mental health. Remaining calm and professional does not mean tolerating toxic behaviour indefinitely. High performers with low EQ can deliver results, but they need to understand that how results are achieved matters for long-term team sustainability. By enforcing reasonable standards of respect (for instance, “I’d like our meetings to stay civil – let’s avoid personal insults or yelling, or I will need to pause the meeting”), you signal that emotional intelligence is an expected part of professional behaviour. Finally, continue to cultivate your own emotional intelligence. Senior leaders set the tone. By honing skills like self-awareness, empathy, and emotional regulation, you become more resilient to others’ low EI and better equipped to steer interactions constructively.
References:
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Edmondson, A. C. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383.
Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421–434.
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Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
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